The Courage to Be Disliked
How to free yourself, change your life and achieve real happiness
Book by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
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Summary
Through an illuminating dialogue, "The Courage to Be Disliked" reveals how Adlerian psychology empowers us to overcome the past, embrace our authentic selves, and find genuine happiness by courageously living in the present and contributing to others.
The Unknown Third Giant
Alfred Adler was one of the three giants of 20th century psychology, along with Freud and Jung. However, Adler is much less well-known, despite being highly influential. Adler split from Freud's psychoanalytic society and developed his own school of "individual psychology." Adler's ideas were groundbreaking and ahead of his time. While not a strict scholar, Adler's insights into human nature provide a culmination of truths and understanding of the human condition.
Section: 1, Chapter: 1
People Can Change At Any Time
A core tenet of Adlerian psychology is that people can change. Your personality and way of living are not fixed by your past experiences or traumas. Freudian etiology looks at the past to find causes, while Adlerian teleology focuses on the present and future to find the purpose behind behavior.
As Adler states: "No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences - the so-called trauma - but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining."
In other words, you are not doomed by your past - you have the power to give new meaning to your experiences and change your way of living starting today. People are always selecting their own lifestyles in each present moment.
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
Trauma Does Not Exist
Adlerian psychology rejects the Freudian notion of trauma. Trauma does not objectively exist as a causal factor in people's problems. Rather, people give meaning to past experiences in a way that suits their current purposes.
As the philosopher states: "Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: 'No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure... We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.'"
People are not passively shaped by past experiences, but actively choose how to interpret and respond to them. T
Section: 1, Chapter: 3
People Fabricate Anger
Adlerian psychology argues that emotions like anger do not arise uncontrollably, but are fabricated by the individual to serve a goal.
The philosopher gives an example of a mother who incessantly yells at her daughter, but instantly shifts to a polite demeanor when the phone rings and it turns out to be the daughter's teacher. Similarly, when the youth yells at a waiter who spilled coffee on him, the philosopher argues he didn't fly into an uncontrollable rage. Rather, he fabricated anger as a tool to make the waiter submit through a display of anger.
Section: 1, Chapter: 4
Focus On The Present, Not The Past
Adlerian psychology emphasizes living in the present rather than dwelling on the past. The past does not determine the present. The philosopher argues we must not let past events act as a restrictive "bond" on our here and now.
The key point is: "What I can do is to think not 'What happened in the past?' but rather 'What can I do from now on?' If one is constantly thinking 'What can I do?' the right way of living will open up right before one's eyes."
Section: 1, Chapter: 5
You Have The Ability To Change Your Personality
Adlerian psychology uses the term "lifestyle" where one might say "personality" or "disposition." However, Adler viewed lifestyle not as a fixed trait, but as the way of living you choose, often around age 10.
This means you have the power to choose a new "lifestyle" at any time. As the philosopher explains:
"The important thing is that one has not been simply endowed with a disposition, but that one has chosen a way to live...If the lifestyle is not something that you were naturally born with, but something you chose yourself, then it must be possible to choose it again whenever you like."
Section: 1, Chapter: 9
All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
Adlerian psychology asserts that all problems people face are interpersonal relationship problems. This is because all human beings are social beings who exist within the context of relationships.
As Adler states: "To get rid of one's problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone." But since we cannot exist without interpersonal relationships, we cannot escape interpersonal problems. The real issue is how one faces and interacts within one's relationships.
Section: 2, Chapter: 12
Feelings Of Inferiority Are Subjective Interpretations
Adlerian psychology views feelings of inferiority as subjective evaluations rather than objective facts. People feel inferior based on their own interpretations of themselves in comparison to others or to their ideal selves.
The philosopher notes that his own feeling of inferiority about his height was a subjective judgment, not an actual lack of worth: "My height of 61 inches in itself was not inferior at all. It was rather that the value I attached to that height was the issue."
Section: 2, Chapter: 13
Admitting Fault Is A Path to Freedom
Many people refuse to admit fault because they link it to defeat in an interpersonal power struggle. If one admits a mistake, one has "lost" in the battle for dominance. But Adlerian psychology asserts this is an error.
The philosopher argues: "Admitting one's mistakes is not defeat. Likewise, fulfilling one's promises and doing what one has said one will do is also not defeat...Because in the end, one is only competing with oneself and challenging oneself to grow."
If one can let go of the desire to win control over others and simply focus on being true to oneself, then admitting mistakes becomes a courageous act of self-honesty that allows one to learn and improve.
Section: 2, Chapter: 19
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Psychology
Personal Development
Self-Help
Philosophy